In recent weeks, TikTok has been flooded with thousands of videos focused on refining our etiquette, all driven by the “very demure, very mindful” trend. Initially a satirical jab at stereotypical femininity, the trend has since taken on a life of its own. While some users embrace the phrase ironically, others worry that it perpetuates unrealistic standards for women.
So, is anyone genuinely trying to be demure, or is this trend just a massive in-joke that’s spiraled out of control?
The seemingly innocent catchphrase was coined by content creator Jools Lebron, who posted a TikTok earlier this month showcasing her demure work outfit and mindful makeup. “You see how I do my make-up for work? Very demure, very mindful,” she told her millions of followers. “A lot of you girls go to the interview looking like Marge Simpson and go to the job looking like Patty and Selma. Not demure.” She also advises that when dressing for the office, her shirt “only has a little chi-chi out, not my cho-cho,” adding: “You should never come to work with a green cut crease.”
After gaining overnight fame with her videos, Lebron has quit her checkout job, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, and updated fans that she’s now able to finance her gender transition. The trend has even caught the attention of celebrities and companies like NASA. Lebron clarified that her motto is “obviously a joke.” While the traditional definition of “demure” means to be “reserved, modest, and shy,” she isn’t advocating for a Bridgerton-style lifestyle for women. Most content creators have been mocking the trend by joking about how to be demure while being totally extravagant.
The trend has also seeped into fashion, with content creator Ambika Dhir describing “demure and mindful” outfits as embodying quiet luxury and a strong personal style that grabs attention without being loud. Similarly, social media strategist Isa Lavahun interprets Lebron’s catchphrase as the “embodiment of subtle self-love – knowing that as long as you carry yourself with grace and empathy, no other opinion matters.”
@joolieannie #fyp #demure @OAKCHA @Paul | Fragrance Influencer ♬ original sound – Jools Lebron
But not everyone sees it that way. TikToker Sabrina Thulander says she has “always interpreted demure as a negative thing, like how a Victorian-era man wants his wife to act. It all feels very trad wife to me.” Indeed, some women have embraced the “trad wife” trend, popularized by shows like Bridgerton and Downton Abbey, where women are portrayed as demure and mindful.
Author Gershom Mabaquiao notes that the trend started as a commentary on “the unseriousness of self-presentation,” but as it has grown beyond social media, it’s being taken more literally. The fact that some people are seriously posting about being demure shows “how nuances are lost when messages travel from high-context in-groups to low-context outgroups,” he says. “The sarcasm and deliberate ‘double standards’ of the joke have gotten lost.” Cultural and linguistic expert Nöel Wolf explains that the word “demure” dates back to the 1600s and was commonly used in the 1800s to describe young women who were “modest and reserved.” The current recontextualization of the word shows “how old language can take on new life in the hands of younger generations.”
As TikTok trends rapidly come and go, it’s hard to predict which word or phrase will be the next big thing. ExemplaryPotato, a former English teacher turned content creator, shares new words weekly on the platform. In response to “demure,” he posted a video explaining the meaning of “vituperative,” an antonym to demure. Wolf points out that Gen Z’s trending phrases this year have been unexpected and obscure, such as “raw-dogging,” “rizz,” and “bed rotting.”
He added that “demure” isn’t the only archaic word making a comeback this year; Inside Out 2 reintroduced “ennui,” while Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poets Department re-popularized “tryst.” Wolf predicts that, given the cyclical nature of online trends, the next big thing will likely be far from “demure.”
